Newborns & Just Say No to Sex

Hello Newborn

I “lost it” when my first newborn was 6 weeks old.  In the postpartum haze of sleep deprivation and working around the clock nonstop to make sure she was healthy and thriving, I sat on a chair staring blankly ahead.  She was crying.  I was crying.  I didn’t know how else to help her, much less how to help myself.  I felt ashamed as a pediatrician that I couldn’t “meet her needs” because I couldn’t get her to stop crying.  My husband had long since returned to work, we had no local family nearby, I wasn’t totally sure when I last showered, and the meal deliveries had dried up. Oh and my vagina had also dried up. (Hell to the no on having sex at 6 weeks postpartum – Ob’s should just postpone that clearance for at least 6 more weeks for the safety of all involved)* 

Anyhoo, she was crying, I was crying and it was a sh*t show of tears for what felt like forever.  And then I remembered to breathe.  One slow, big inhale followed by one long, slow exhale.  Repeat.  I was part of a really cool pilot program in medical school called “mindfulness based stress reduction.”** I learned that intentional deep and slow breathing is an integral part of regulating the nervous system…aka finding calm.  When you take a deep breath, your diaphragm tugs on the vagus nerve and that sends a signal to your brain to activate the parasympathetic nervous system which has a calming effect on your body.  With those few deep breaths, I could now function.  And by function, I mean I called my husband and told him he needed to come home from work early and take over.  I was done and needed to sleep.  And yes, she stopped crying pretty quickly once I had also calmed down. That’s not to say that moms are responsible for their baby’s tears – sometimes babies cry because babies cry.  Babies are gonna do baby things.  But finding a steady state for myself was critical to caring for her effectively.  Once I was in a more emotionally regulated state, I knew I needed help.  I knew how to get help.  I knew I needed sleep.  I knew she would be ok and actually better off if I got some sleep.  And with sleep and help, I wasn’t such a b to my husband who had become the dumping ground for all of my emotions up to that point.  

Say No to Sex?

In sum, just say no to sex if you are only 6 weeks postpartum, sleep deprived and drier than the Sahara.  Just kidding–get yourself some topical hormone therapy for your vagina and vestibule.  And please, ask for help.  Get some sleep.  Learn how to regulate your nervous system and find calm when you’re all fired up over everything all at once.  Overwhelm is a great sign that it’s time to pause and reconsider.  What’s going well in my life?  What can I change?  What can I not change that I wish I could change?  Who can help me?  How can I help myself?  What needs to go?  Mothering is “the greatest job on earth” except when it's not.  You don’t have to suffer through parenting and you certainly don’t have to struggle alone.  Find your voice.  Find your village. 

In good health,

Dr. Todd

<sub>* Estrogen helps keep the vaginal tissue thick, lubricated, elastic and healthy.  Postpartum, a woman’s estrogen level drops from the thousands to almost nothing precipitously.  Add breastfeeding to the mix and you find yourself in a low estrogen state – vaginal tissue is now thin, delicate, sensitive, not very “forgiving” and drier than a desert.  Physiologically, this probably makes sense.  My theory is that it's your body’s way of trying to prevent a “short interval” pregnancy which can lead to serious risks for both the mom and new baby growing inside her.  But it’s hell on women – local vaginal cream applied to the vestibule and inside the vagina works miracles…just like in peri/menopause.

** In 1979, Jon Kabat-Zinn created mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR).  Kabat-Zinn received his PhD in molecular biology from M.I.T. and is a professor of medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.  His pioneering work in mindfulness and meditation has been studied scientifically and is used as an adjunct to heal chronic disease, decrease cardiovascular risk factors, ease chronic pain and improve mental health.</sub>