Chained by Expectation

Chained by Expectation

The other day, my son came home and announced that a photograph he had taken for his high school photography class had won an award and was going to be on display at a local community college.  “Very cool!” I said proudly and promptly asked which photograph had garnered such critical acclaim.  I mean let’s be real, I am basically raising the next Ansel Adams.  When he responded “Oh it’s a self portrait that I titled ‘chained by expectation’” I might have caught my breath a little bit.  Ummmm…was he talking about moi?  That question wasn’t asked outright, and the answer is really for him to decide what he feels chained by.  In reality, there is probably more than one person (me?  him?), system (school), and culture (there is a lot of pressure on kids to excel these days) at play here keeping him chained.  But it did get me thinking…what’s wrong with having expectations? 

My Own Experience

When I was in high school, our local newspaper did an article on my mom.  She lovingly raised 4 kids and went back to school when I, the youngest of the four, started kindergarten.  She finished her college degree, went on to get a master’s and then ultimately wrapped up her education with a PhD in Psychology.  To get that PhD, she woke up at 4am every morning, drove herself 90 miles to Chicago, worked as a TA to get part of her tuition covered and made it home at night to make dinner and still take me to gymnastics 5 days a week.  In that article, the News Graphic asked her how she managed all of that and still ended up with 4 well-adjusted kids.  There was a lot of advice doled out, but I still remember this quip 30 years later.  She basically said, “you can never give your kids too much but you can expect too little of them.”  This wasn’t about I’ll give you this if you do that in a transactional exchange.  It was more of “if you show me with your behavior that you are capable of adulting, then I will let you have full agency and growing independence.”  There was trust, but there was also verify–she was awake reading in the living room every night when we came home on the weekends from going out with friends as a simple but exhausting (for her) guardrail.  Basically it was a little bit like privilege, but in reverse.  Unlike many entitled youth today, the expectation wasn’t on the parents to provide.  The expectation was on the kid to do their job learning how to adult.  Want to go out with friends past midnight?  What have you done to show me you are ready to handle the foolishness that invariably goes down after midnight?  

Back to expectations.  We all have them.  We expect things to happen “according to plan.”  We expect things from others.  We expect things from ourselves.  Like anything in life, expectations themselves aren’t inherently good or bad.  But they can set us up for disappointment if we set our expectations too high, aren’t realistic about the expectations in the first place, or aren’t flexible enough to allow wiggle room for change.   

In the case of teenagers, expectations provide the “scaffold” for a brain that is still under heavy construction.  The expectations you set for your teenager actually lowers their anxiety, even if they complain about it.  It signals that you care enough about them to watch.  Expectations help build character and expectations allow the kid to develop competence and confidence – when you expect something of your child, you are essentially telling them “I believe in you” and “you are capable of handling this.”  

The flip side is this:  if your expectation is based on who you were at 16 (or who you wish you’d been at 16), there will be a huge disconnect.  Our kids are not growing up in the 1980s when cartoons only aired on Saturday mornings and we had 3 television stations to choose from.  You are not them.  And they are not you.  Similarly, are your expectations solely based on performance or are they based on character traits you are trying to strengthen as they gain independence?  If the expectation is purely transactional “I expect you to get all A’s because I know you are smart enough to do that” instead of “I understand you want to play video games with your friends, and I want that for you too, but first, where are you at with your school obligations?  Tell me about your workload this week.  What tests do you have coming up?”  Then helping them to understand that effort is more important than the end result.  What did you learn from the effort you put into studying?  Was there other material you could have reviewed as well?  Could you have prioritized studying earlier?  Is it better to manage your time in short bursts rather than long extended periods where you lose focus?  Get them to weigh in on the expectations, effort and result.  When kids feel like they have agency over their own life, I guarantee they will surprise you.   

On that note, when expectations feel like control rather than guidance, it’s a recipe for a power struggle and instant rebellion.  That doesn’t mean that you don’t get to set limits as the parent.  

In our house, we talk a lot about safety.  I use the phrase “you and I both know” frequently when I am helping them to have culpability in the decision making process – ie, they don’t get to pass the buck onto someone else for a choice they made themselves.  We allow room for natural consequences–ie, the consequence was inherently part of the decision they made at the start.  Ultimately, having open dialogue with your kiddo about your expectations, and asking them to weigh in on those expectations is key.  

Now YOU

What about expectations of yourself?  Are they realistic?  Are they too high?  Are you allowing wiggle room for change?  There’s a LOT happening in midlife.  Maybe practicing expectations with yourself is a good place to start.  Want to lose weight?  Are you expecting to lose 20 pounds as soon as possible?  Are you beating yourself up when you don’t meet the goals you set for yourself?  How is that working out for you?  Do you feel ashamed rather than empowered?  Does the shame fuel better choices in the future or just contribute to a guilt spiral?  The same goes for your kids.  Shaming them isn’t the answer.  

There’s a lot to unpack with expectations and feeling chained.  Where should we begin? 

Let’s Chat.

In good health,

Dr. Todd